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The Parenting Code .. written by “Unqualified Mom”

ParentikngI totally know now why there is no book about the anxieties of parenting… Well, I guess there could be a book about it and I would never know, because I am a parent and don’t have time to read anything other than notes from the schools and a 2nd grade reading book with my daughter … But I’m pretty sure that there is a gap between the books of how to have great kids/how to be a great parent and how to fix your kids/how to fix poor parenting.  But I decided the other day, while sitting in the Driver’s License Testing area waiting for my daughter, that it is my time to shine… fill that void in the book world, write my book and pack my bags because Oprah will be booking me soon..

Writing a parenting book… Not just any parenting book, but a book about parenting that will change the world because all of the secret things that people conveniently forget to tell you will be revealed.  I know you may be asking what qualifications I have to write such a book and my answer would be … “None.”  Nope, no qualifications at all.  In fact, my pen name will be Unqualified Mom….but that’s not the point.  I just decided that writing a parenting book would easily be a top seller without much effort…. here’s why…

First of all, I don’t know one single parent who has time to sit down and truly read a parenting book.  Now maybe when you are expecting your first child  … or maybe when you are expecting your second child and the first one is in school or napping, but if you have more than two kids I can pretty much guarantee a parenting book becomes nothing more than prop to even out a wobbly table.

Secondly, parents want to be good at what they do so and if nothing else, they want to look like they know what they are doing… possibly even create an intimidation factor for the kids, so they will load up the book shelves with parenting books that would impress any grandparent.  Therefore, a parenting best seller need nothing more than an appealing title and an eye catching cover…. maybe even an interchangeable cover to match any decor.  It could be filled with substance but if it sells just because of the outer images, then why bother…

While sitting in the driver’s license testing center waiting for my daughter to take her road test the other day, I tossed a few book titles around in my head….  “Parenting for the Book Smart” (I’m pretty sure Parenting for Dummies is taken) … no……..”Have a New Kid by the End of this Book or Decide not to Have Kids by the End of this Book”….. no…….. “Kids…. Who knew?”….. no….. then finally… the one that Oprah will promote… ” The Parenting Code (Momma Never Told You but I Will)”.

This was the winner because of the gimmick factor and also the great possibility that Oprah would actually probably expect me to answer some questions about it….  so, for those who are parents and are truly wanting to read a parenting book (I still don’t think it is possible), I will add a bit of parenting wisdom and it won’t really matter what I say because it will totally in code form. (I figure if you have time to read it then you will have time to figure out the code.) The code will make it seem more intellectual and mysterious… taking it totally to the number one spot on the New York times list.

The little tidbits of wisdom I give will be all about those little things no one told you about being a parent because if they did then, just like the Shakers (Google it), civilization would die… yes, you read that correctly… if people were told about all of the sleepless nights, the anxieties, the worries, etc then there would be no procreation… so my wisdom would enlighten many and help them deal with the realities of the parenting life.

All of this came to mind that day because, try as someone may have to tell me to expect this, it just sank at that moment ……that as they grow and spread their wings and fly into adulthood you still ache when they ache, rejoice when they rejoice, and would fight tooth and nail to keep them safe…. Though the idea of a more convenient daily routine was enticing, I still think I would be okay driving her around for a few more years, but it was not to be.  Despite forgetting to turn on the ignition during her driving test, my daughter passed the road test and is now a licensed driver.

I was told that life would never be the same again.. (See if you can figure out the code in that sentence)

So this is the only qualification I have to write a parenting book on the “silent code” to keep civilization booming… I am a parent and I always will be… no matter how old they are.  ….Now that I think about it though, I would hate to be the cause of the end of civilization.  So therefore, maybe I should focus on the “Parenting for the Book Smart.”

And for the record, my daughter got her license last Tuesday….. And she totaled the van last Wednesday.  So I am definitely qualified!

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Philippians 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.

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Posted by on October 14, 2009 in Faith, Fun, Life Stories

 

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16 Ways to Keep My 16 year-old Off of the Road

My daughter recently turned 16.   I’m pretty laid back about things but the other day when she said she was ready to get her driving permit it hit me that she was really at that stage in her life.  She needed several things to take with her to the DMV; her birth certificate, her social security card and a paper stating she is enrolled in school. Well, she did her part to get her school info but I kept dragging my feet getting her other documents.  My mind started racing… What would she do if those documents just happened to be “lost.”  Now I am not the type of mother to manipulate my daughter but it did run through my mind.  What if the document thing didn’t pan out though….. what would be next?  What would I stoop to?

I’ve made my list-16 ways to keep my daughter off of the road…

  1. Tell her that all licensed drivers must spend a two year stint of public service driving daycare vans – and then top it off with horror stories of vomit and stinky diapers
  2. Give her the keys to the car-  a set from the lost and found at Wal-mart that belong to someone else and then look at her like she is crazy when she says they don’t work
  3. Tell her when she loses the next tooth the tooth fairy will give her a key under her pillow… sometimes vanity is beautiful
  4. Sell the cars- I can do without
  5. Tell her that I fibbed about her actual birthdate and she is still only 14.temporary-poster-1
  6. When she asks to take the car, I will respond, “No hablo ingles”
  7. Paint her bedroom windows black… she’ll sleep for months
  8. Duct tape pool noodles all over the car … for safety… again, sometimes vanity is beautiful
  9. Tell her that there is a warrant for her arrest and going to get her license might land her in jail
  10. Everytime she mentions driving I will scream a B movie horror scream….I’m thinking Pavlov’s Dog, you know.. conditioning will kick in eventually
  11. Have a group of actors storm the house and tell her she won the teen publishers house sweepstakes… she is so rich she can afford a limo with driver
  12. Super glue the car doors shut
  13. Explain the new family tradition where the youngest qualified driver now purchases all gas for all family vehicles as well as washes all cars on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays and buys dinner on Friday nights…
  14. Everytime she mentions the words drive, I will respond with “Dive? You want to dive?”
  15. Tell her she must learn to drive a stick shift before she can take her driving test
  16. And the one that I know will work for sure…. give her the minivan

Ephesians 6:4

4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Okay, I’m not going to lie to my daughter… and I will take her this week to get her permit….I don’t want to exasperate her….. but I can stock up on pool noodles and get an enormous bow for the minivan

Sometimes we parents have to be creative.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2009 in Fun, Life Stories

 

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